I've been thinking a lot about how I have, since I quit my job at the end of July, been trying to think of like the perfect program that I can do with a group, the perfect one on one coaching format, the perfect everything and I mean, the funny thing is not only is perfectionism a characteristic of white supremacy culture, it is completely out of alignment with my principles of, you know, thinking about process over product and not trying to find the answer all the time. Something I used to say to people when I was working as a librarian is that, you know, people think that librarians find you the answer, but really what they do is they help you find other questions. There's more unknowns than there are knowns. And it's interesting when I'm in this position where I have to honestly basically be an entrepreneur, figure out how I'm going to have consistent income going forward. Some of that stuff goes out the window because I'm just in fight or flight at times, even though I have a large sense of security. My mind still goes there, not for the financial security, but for the emotional security of saying, I need to have this controlled because you know, when I have a nine to five, I'm getting my paycheck. I have health insurance, like everything is like set in that sense and while I'm perfectly fine, not having that security, it suddenly feels like then what other security is there, like I have to have the emotional security to feel like I have a sense of control if I can't have the other one. So yeah, that's what I'm thinking right now on this Friday night. About how when I sense that my mind is spinning and spinning and spinning, thinking about the “right” thing to do -it's actually not so much about that. It's more about the control and what that does for me emotionally and how that is also a persistent pattern that I've had in my life and many of us have to be honest, to repeat patterns from before in order to have a sense of control and the funniest part of all of this is that a huge lesson that I have from these past few months of working on my own is, everything is in the process. I've tried certain one on one formats, I know what works and doesn't work. So I'm going to switch it up and try and see what happens. I did a group program - now I'm going to switch it up and see what happens. And it's going to be a process of constant iteration. And it's something that I can easily tell myself now and tell you all now and I could easily go into a workshop and tell people but what when I get into that emotional insecurity, all of that goes out the window. You know, so, yeah, this is very much nervous system regulation, and very much you know, repeating patterns and our subconscious creeping up on us. Most of our behavior is based on the subconscious and when you have that awareness, it's easier to disrupt it. So yeah, that's what I have for you all for Nisha’s Greatest Hits!
Transcribed by https://otter.ai